Don't get me wrong. Tiger Woods is fantastic. Everybody else in the PGA is a faceless bore.
My bias against golf began in childhood, when I played miniature golf in L.A. I could never get the ball past the slowly whirling windmill and through the tunnel to the green. The windmill blade always batted the ball back at me.
Golfers are sportsmen and sportswomen. OK. But are golfers athletes? Not when their polyester-clad butts are running around in those funny little carts. Not even when they walk (especially when the poor caddy is carrying the bags), because the walking is not aerobic.
Speaking of polyester, what's with the yellow or the lime-green pants, not to mention the plaid? Is anyone with fashion taste allowed on a golf course?
Finally, I consider golf the Republican Party at play. Though JFK played golf (and tried to keep it hidden, because the Democrats were always criticizing Eisenhower for spending most of his presidency on the greens), I know few Democrats who golf. CEOs and insurance salesmen golf. They are not Democrats. I cannot identify with them.
And the only thing more boring than watching most golf tournaments on TV is listening to amateur golfers -- like my twin brother, Larry -- talk about golf.
The only entertainment I ever got from golf was when Edward R. Murrow on "Face to Face" was interviewing the great Ben Hogan and his wife, live on CBS. "Mrs. Hogan," Murrow asked, "is there anything you do before a tournament to wish your husband luck?"
"Well, sometimes I kiss his balls," Mrs. Hogan said. "His golf balls, I mean!"
