The Inquiring Manatee

Dangling Over the Snow

          

He's the hero of the Internet and the typical American of the moment: naked, exposed, freezing and desperately hoping for rescue. He's the Unknown Chairlift Victim, pictured on this blog in my "Political Photo Album" to the right, under the title "Pantsless Skier." But you already know about him. He's world-famous by now -- passed from London's Daily Mail website to the Huffington Post and msnbc.com, and now to the Manatee.
    If you've ever skied, you can't look at this poor devil, embarrassed for 7 long minutes in front of his young child, the amazed female and male Vail aides who work to free him and the other skiers snapping pictures nonstop, without experiencing a "there but for the grace of God" moment. I've had many disasters getting on and off chairlifts over the years -- nothing this bad, mostly clumsy and sometimes slightly injurious flops -- and I can readily identify with this guy.
    In fact, with two days of skiing coming up this weekend at Mammoth Mountain in California's Sierra Nevada, I'll be very nervous on the lifts. And I'm sure everybody I ride with will be talking about it -- laughing, but with due compassion, I hope.
    As Sonny Bono and that Kennedy who also ran into a tree could tell you, ski areas can be hazardous to your health. Let's be careful out there. And let's especially check those chairs for proper positioning as they swing around and we prepare to board.
    The only remaining question: Does the pantsless skier bring a lawsuit against Vail? (Arguably, somebody on the chairlift crew was negligent.) Or does he preserve what remains of his anonymity and slink away?
    I'd take the course of discretion. To publicize his name in court records would be to follow the example of former U.S. Senator Robert Scott of Virginia. Years ago, Scott was named the dumbest member of the Senate by a relatively obscure magazine -- and then called a news conference to deny he was stupid.

W, We Hardly Recognized You

   

Combining two hot stories, the White House announced today that President George W. Bush, facing the prospect of having shoes tossed at him wherever he goes for the rest of his life, has placed himself next on the list for a face transplant at the Cleveland Clinic. He'll be getting the face of Elmer A. Walker, a deceased certified public accountant from St. George, Utah.

Settling the Great Question of When Human Life Begins

      

Those American Taliban religious far-righters may be chortling about their wins on banning same-sex marriage Tuesday in California, Florida and a third state, but they suffered defeats on their other obsession, abortion, in Colorado, South Dakota and California.
   The Colorado proposition, which lost 73%-27%, was particularly intriguing. It would have amended the state's constitution to give fertilized eggs, before implantation in the womb, the same legal rights and protections that apply to people once they are born. It would have been a constitutional precedent saying that life begins at conception, and therefore a slam-dunk for right-wing lawyers arguing from it in court challenges to contraception, medical research involving embryos and the very concept of fertility clinics.
   But the folks that H. L. Mencken used to call the "Christers" never give up. Just as sure as they came back in South Dakota with a sweeping challenge to Roe v. Wade after losing previously, and just as sure as they came back in California with yet another parental-notification initiative after losing three times earlier, the Intolerant Right is sure to be back in Colorado and other states.
   I hear that what they're planning next is an initiative saying life begins at the moment a guy propositions a woman. (They'll call it Proposition Proposition.) If that loses, the next initiative will move life's beginning to when a man unzips his fly. If that doesn't pass, they'll rewrite it to make it the moment a woman receives a text message asking for a date. If that fails, they'll successfully get thousands of signatures on a petition for a vote to establish that life begins when a man's eyes meet the eyes of a woman.  
    I'm telling you, these people never take no for an answer.
    Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., still has the best one-liner on this subject. He said: "A conservative is one who believes that life begins at conception -- and ends at birth." (Frank added: "We Jews believe that the fetus is not viable until it has graduated from medical school.")
   Oh, the right-wingers care about you desperately when you're a sperm, an egg, an embryo or a fetus. But once you're born, forget it. You're on your own. Theirs would be a Darwinian philosophy -- if they believed in Darwin. When will they stop pestering the rest of us and just leave us alone?

Scottish Terriers: The New Pit Bulls

  

   I see where Barney, President Bush's Scottish terrier (they were called Scotch terriers when I was a kid, but political correctness has set in), bit the index finger of Reuters TV reporter Jon Decker when the journalist petted the cur at the White House today.
   I suppose you can't blame Barney for being in a bad mood. His master had a bad Election Day and he's got to relocate from the White House soon. Probably hates Texas, too.
  But there's something about Scottish terriers. FDR may have loved his little Fala, but those dogs are biters. My dislike for them dates from a summer day when I was 8 years old. I was walking in the street in West Oakland, N.J., minding my own business, when a nasty little Scottish terrier ran out from his yard and bit me. It hurt like hell. There was talk of rabies, but I guess the dog passed the test; I didn't have to take the painful series of rabies shots. The dog's name was Shtaydu, a particularly ugly word that in Yiddish is the phrase for "stay, you!" 
    A couple of years later, a dog bit me outside my apartment building in Brooklyn, N.Y., again for no particular reason; I can't remember what that dog looked like, but prejudice has turned that dog, too, into a Scottish terrier in memory.
   Scottish terriers are ugly, snarly and grumpy little monsters. I can't imagine why anyone likes them.
   Back to Glasgow with them! Meanwhile, somebody take Barney to the vet and check the little bastard for rabies. But thanks, Barney, for giving me the opportunity of a frustrated lifetime to vent my feelings about your vicious breed.
   Full disclosure: While golden retrievers are my favorite type of dog by far, I'm a dedicated cat person. Go, felines!

   I don't believe that Jon Decker was in the White House press corps during my six years there (1991-1997). I can tell you that my experiences with presidential animals were a lot more pleasant than his. When the Clintons' cat Socks hit the White House, I fell in love with him. We used to see him out on the South Lawn, taking the sun on a long tether tied to a tree. He would roll over cutely and wash his paws. One Saturday morning, the White House assistant engineer who took care of him brought him to the press briefing room. I met Socks and petted him. One time I discussed Socks with Chelsea Clinton. "He's so noble," she said. He remained my favorite member of the Clinton administration.

Save the Moose and Caribou!

  Oooh, what intrepid hunters Sarah and Todd Palin are, shooting all those moose and caribou.
  Got news for you, guys: Moose and caribou are bovines. They are CATTLE. They eat grass. They threaten nobody, unless your car runs into one on a dark highway. They are not very bright. They can't get out of their own way. As targets, they are nearly as unmissable as elephants. Where's the challenge?
   Right-wingers are making a heroine out of Governor Palin for hunting moose and eating those greasy mooseburgers, but how sportsmanlike is it to shoot them? If you're a starving Native Alaskan or a trapper in the 50-below dead of winter in the wilderness, there's an argument that it's morally permissible to shoot anything with meat on it, with the possible exception of your mother-in-law. But what need is there for any Alaska city-dweller to shoot some poor cow?
   You can put antlers -- or lipstick -- on it, but it's still a cow.
   If you have any guts, leave the inoffensive moose and caribou alone and go after game that has some natural means of fighting back: wolves and grizzly bears, for instance. If you use firearms, don't do it in the most cowardly and sadistic way possible -- from aircraft. That's not hunting, it's magnified fly-swatting. You're making a mockery of the Second Amendment.
   On second thought, Governor Palin, you'd do American politics a bigger favor by relocating to a wildlife preserve to live in peace with the grizzlies and protect the little dears -- as Timothy Treadwell did.

  

Today's Obit

   I see in the papers where Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who discovered LSD and took the first trip (and many others) on it, died Tuesday in Basel.
   He lived to be 102.
   Guess that proves that LSD is the best thing for you.

Live, From ABC News -- A Second Debate

TRANSCRIPT

   Charles Gibson: Good evening. From Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, ABC News is privileged to present this added, last-minute debate on the eve of the Pennsylvania Democratic primary. I'm Charles Gibson, here with my colleague, George Stephanopoulos, of ABC's Sunday "This Week With George Stephanopoulos."
    The candidates, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York and Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, were with us in Philadelphia and have very graciously agreed to take part again tonight. I'm cautioning our studio audience to withhold their comments and applause -- except now, as we bring out the contenders. First, here is Senator Clinton. (Applause.) And Senator Obama. (Applause.)
   Our format tonight: The same as at the National Constitution Center a few nights ago. We anticipate another fascinating debate. But first, these messages. (Audience boos and jeers as ABC cuts to commercial break, which lasts five minutes. Caduet, Vytorin and that little green butterfly.)
    Gibson: They're turning on me already! But we're back with a first question for you, Senator Obama: There is video footage all over YouTube, sir, showing Michelle Obama wearing skirts at or above knee level in 1973. Now, don't you think your association with this scandalous attire renders you unfit for the presidency?
   Obama: I do know this Michelle person slightly, from the neighborhood and from a charitable board we served on together a number of years ago. But in my defense, I have to say that criticizing me because an acquaintance of mine engaged in questionable behavior when she was, let's see, 9 years old, doesn't meet the test of common sense. And this sort of trivial digression from the issues that truly concern the voters of Pennsylvania and the 49 other states of America demonstrates the old politics that I am running to change, with a message of hope. What people want to know, for example, is how I plan to bring our men and women home from Iraq. And ....
    Gibson: We'll get into that some time before our two hours end, Senator. But our innovative clock that keeps track of the relative time accorded to the candidates shows that Senator Clinton has not received time matching that given to Senator Obama. So, Senator Clinton, have at it.

   Clinton: Well, Charlie, I was beginning to notice that disproportionality of time. It's not that I wish to respond. It's that the Republican attack machine is sure to make an issue this fall of Michelle Obama's modish but radical attire. In sorrow, I know that many Pennsylvanians and, frankly, Democratic superdelegates have been taken aback by this matter, so revelatory of Senator Obama's allegedly deficient patriotism, which is not something that is true, so far as I know, but is something Republicans will say and therefore something that must guide all thinking Democrats. In contrast, I ask Pennsylvanians to compare my pantsuits -- so sensible, yet so soft and flattering. (She pivots.) Like this number, from Anne Klein, in subtle eggplant, available at the Macy's near that Lake Shinola place near Scranton, where my daddy took me hunting at the age of 4 months before he drove me for 2 laps around the nearby NASCAR track at 200 miles per hour. Yee-ha! Daddy had some setbacks in his life, but was he ever bitter? No. He remained guided, spiritually and culturally, by his God and his guns. Heck of a bowler, too. Did a lot better than a 37, that's for sure. Did I mention he was originally a Pennsylvanian? (Cut to reaction shot of Gov. Ed Rendell, beaming next to Chelsea Clinton, in audience.)
    Gibson: Again for Senator Obama, a Pennsylvania voter, Marie Pazza of Altoona, has this question for you via pre-recorded video. Let's take a look.

    Marie Pazza: Senator, Trinity United Church of Christ, Rev. Jeremiah Wright's church in Chicago where you have worshiped without a peep for 20 years, has a gospel choir that never begins the service by singing our National Anthem. Instead, they start singing about Jesus. Now I ask you, sir: Do you love the National Anthem, or not?

    Obama: No one reveres "The Star-Spangled Banner" more than I do. Now (laughing), don't ask me to sing the words of the second verse, because I might embarrass myself. But this culturally important, traditional song is something that has guided me through Hawaii, through Indonesia, through my Barry Obama years, to where I stand before you today as somebody running for the presidency. (Cut to Chelsea, glaring.)

    Stephanopoulos: Senator Clinton, your response?

    Clinton: Let no one among the elitist TV critics that didn't like the magnificent performance of ABC News in our Philadelphia debate call "The Star-Spangled Banner" a distraction. It is a key issue -- in fact, frankly, it is the Francis Scott Key issue. And here again, Republicans will say in the fall, I am sad to relate, that Senator Obama, whom I respect, falls short. By contrast, having carried the baggage of once publicly blowing the words of the National Anthem at a University of Arkansas football game in Fayetteville, I now have learned all the verses of "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is just one more reason why I am the stronger candidate against that admirable war hero, John McCain, who, along with me, is a lot more qualified to be president than those out-of-touch snobs, Al Gore and John Kerry. Did you know, by the way, that Francis Scott Key set the words of this great anthem to the tune of a British drinking song, "To Amphitryon in Heaven?"

      Gibson: OK, considering what a few critics said, maybe we should be a little quicker tonight to get to what the carpers call the "substantive" issues -- such ratings-killers as health care and the collapsing economy. So let me ask you, Senator Obama: You have proposed billions of dollars in new government spending to help homeowners threatened with foreclosure on their sub-prime mortgages. And you have threatened to impose more regulation on banks and mortgage brokers. But don't the numbers show that any government regulation is bad for the economy, hurting growth, killing jobs and actually reducing government revenues? And doesn't a Republican National Committee study, recently cited by Sean Hannity of Fox News, prove that reckless homeowners who got in above their heads will never learn anything about the operation of the free market if they get a government bailout?

    Obama: Well, Senator Clinton and I take very similar approaches to doing for ordinary American homeowners what the Federal Reserve did for Bear Stearns and Wall Street -- giving them a helping hand in a time of crisis and need. And our active approach is in such contrast to Senator McCain, who sounds more like Herbert Hoover every day. I am going to run hard against Senator McCain, and whatever the Republicans aim at me, I am going to give right back to them. And that is why I am the stronger, more electable candidate.

    Gibson: And now, these messages. (Boos from audience.)

    Five-minute commercial break. Dulcolax, MiraLAX, the Nasonex bee. Lots of deadly side effects.

    Gibson: Welcome back. Oh, my gosh, we're out of time. As Senator Clinton and Senator Obama sign autographs, we're going to call a halt, regretting that we have no cable outlet enabling our award-winning political team to dissect tonight's stimulating debate for the next 4 hours. We know that our program tonight illuminated the best aspects of American democracy. In an unprecedented move, we had invited Senator McCain to join the Democrats in tonight's debate. He declined. Which is too bad, because we wanted to ask him about Charles Keating and when was the last time Cindy had some work done.

   And it's good night from ABC News, clearly not part of the liberal mainstream media, can't you see?   

The Other Boleyn Boy

   One of Hollywood's hot films opening this weekend is bound to be "The Other Boleyn Girl," starring Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson as 16th-Century British sisters Anne and Mary Boleyn, and Eric Bana as King Henry VIII. The movie is based on a bestselling bodice-ripper of a historical biography by British author Philippa Gregory.
  If only Ms Gregory had done a bit more research, she might have unearthed a story even more thrilling than the one she told about the dutiful Mary and how she vied with the ambitious Anne for the favors of the king (by whom the already-married Mary had two illegitimate children).
   Not that this lesser-known story is anything to lose your head over. It's not a towering tale (towering, Tower of London, get it?). But it bears revealing, nonetheless.
    The Boleyn girls had a brother -- Irving Boleyn. Under his stuffed codpiece beat the soul of a songwriter. In fact, nobody could write a madrigal or a roundelay like Irving. King Henry would bounce his own songwriting ideas off this brash Boleyn youth at court. And he liked the advice that Irving gave him.
    One day in 1531, Henry and Irving were discussing the title of the king's latest musical venture. "No, no, 'Burnt Umber Sleeves' doesn't work," Irving told Henry. "Ruins the meter, you see. Try another color. One syllable. Anything will do. Blue, red, green...."
    "That's it!" Henry said. "Greensleeves' it shall be."
    So taken was the king with the helpful Irving that he decided to pay a royal visit to the Boleyn country manor. There he met, danced with, quickly bedded the sisters. They were a threesome in a four-poster, next to a bathroom set aside especially for the king under a sign reading "Tudor Loo."
    The rest is history, with the exception that when Henry sent Anne to the chopping block for failing to bear him a male heir, his wrath at the Boleyns was so vengeful that he decreed the destruction of any written record of Irving's songwriting success.
    Thus, it was only recently that musicologists pieced together evidence that Irving Boleyn wrote the greatest hits of his day. They ranged from "Raleigh's Ragtime Band" through "Annie Get Your Ax."
    The blotting-out of Irving's contemporary fame left Henry alone in history as a Tudor tunesmith. And that's why today we know "Greensleeves" but forget the even more hummable "Gray Skies" and "Steppin' Out With My Monarch," music and lyrics by Irving Boleyn.   
   

A Religious Test for the Presidency

  Mitt Romney said in a highly publicized speech in College Station, Texas today that the Constitution prohibits any "religious test" for the presidency. He's right, of course. But because nobody is heeding that wisdom of the Founders this year -- not debate moderators, certainly not Christian evangelical conservatives -- the nation clearly needs a standardized religious test to be given to all presidential candidates of any party. Here is the proposed test.
   Questions:
   1. In what direction does the angel on top of Mormon temples face?
       a. Toward Mecca
       b. Toward Palmyra, N.Y.
       c. Toward Salt Lake City
       d. Toward the cod statue atop the Massachusetts statehouse
   2. What is the angel's name?
       a. Nehi
       b. Lehi
       c. Moroni
       d. Farrah Fawcett
   3. What are backsliding Mormons called?
       a. BYU keg-tappers
       b. Jack Mormons
       c. Freemasons
       d. 2002 Winter Olympic medalists
   4. What language did Jesus speak?
       a. Glossolalia
       b. Aramaic
       c. Tagalog
       d. Hebrew
   5. The first American missionaries to Hawaii were:
       a. Roman Catholics
       b. Universal Life Church ordainees
       c. Theosophist followers of Madame Helena Petrovna Blavatsky
       d. Congregationalists
   6. Thomas Jefferson and other Founding Fathers believed that a higher consciousness created the universe but couldn't care less about individual humans. Such believers are called
       a. Animists
       b. Agnostics
       c. Deists
       d. Chicoms
   7. Why did the Constitutional Convention of 1787 ban religious tests for the presidency?
       a. To apply a lesson Americans had learned from Britain, where only Anglicans could be monarch and where Catholics such as Mary Queen of Scots stood to be beheaded if they got too uppity
       b. To say "nyaah-nyaah" to Pat Robertson and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
       c. Because only the pope was deemed qualified to administer a religious test, and communications between Rome and Philadelphia were slow
       d. It was feared that Sunday school teachers would "teach to the test" so the school wouldn't lose federal funding under the No Candidate Left Behind Act
   8. The age of the Earth is
       a. Seven days
       b. More than 2 billion years
       c. About 6,000 years
       d. Why did Darwin have to bring it up?
   9. Noah's three sons were
       a. Shem, Ham and Japheth
       b. Groucho, Harpo and Chico
       c. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
       d. He actually had three daughters named Bossy, Nanny and Elsa
  10. Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los Angeles reported he was accosted on the street, beaten and kicked by
       a. An illegal immigrant from Oaxaca named Rosa
       b. A gay Episcopal clergyman
       c. A man shouting about the child sex-abuse cases involving priests
       d. Alex Trebek of "Jeopardy"
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Responses to be judged by the Federal Elections Commission, Washington, D.C.